“President Bush’s Novel Idea: Online Gambling is Good for Social Security”

President George W. Bush wants to save the ailing Social Security program, and feels the best way to do this is via internet gambling. His idea, of course, has not met with universal glee, but that hasn’t stopped him from pursuing what he is sure will be a successful plan.

“If you bet on a red and win, and you keep on doing it, everyone will become a millionaire and Social Security will be saved.” Thus said President George W. Bush after looking at the results of a study on the probable success of privatized investment accounts. The study indicated that the average American has a greater chance of making money through gambling than through the stock market. What Bush would like to do is establish individual gambling accounts for young workers, the money for which would have to come from the government. Yes, this would mean borrowing trillions of dollars, but the winnings would be directly deposited into retirement accounts, thereby bailing out Social Security.

GWYFA, an acronym for “Gamble With Your Future Act,” is also the name given to a cartoon squirrel by the Treasury Department, who plan to feature GWYFA in advertisements and commercials. Only when GWYFA starts playing online blackjack is he able to make enough nuts to last him through the long winter, giving rise to the voiceover in the commercial: “Do not go hungry in the winter. Gamble with your money before it’s too late.”

Despite the fact that some people are arguing that Bush is pushing this plan solely for the benefit of his buddies in the online gambling industry, the online companies themselves are saying they don’t stand to benefit from the plan and could even be hurt by it. If so many new players started to gamble and win, the online companies say, they would stand to lose everything. However, these same companies took the Fifth when asked what would happen if so many new players started to gamble and lost.

AARP, when voicing their strong opposition to this plan, received Bush’s scorn. “The AARP is composed of commies and homos . . .their opinion doesn’t really matter since they will all be dead before we see the effects of the plan anyhow.”

Bush says he trusts the American people, and that the plan’s critics don’t. He says he feels that American citizens have every right to play poker and other gambling games, and that the government should not only not stand in their way, but encourage them to do so.